Scars and the range of happiness

I don´t have any tattoos. I have scars. Tatoos mostly show things people want to embody. Somtimes they really do embody them, sometimes their tatoo is the closest they´ll ever come to their wet dreams. Scars usually don´t leave you a choice. They come out of nowhere, you don´t make an appointement or pay to get them, life draws them on you when it´s time for them. They will always tell a real story. I got stories to tell.

My favourite scar is from almost chopping off a finger making furniture on a uninhabited caribbean island. Everytime i see it i think about the place. There´s another one of accidently touching my hand with an iron waxing my board in Colorado, then a microwave burn on a finger from the most agressive microwave of all times in New Zealand, there´s knee surgery scars that make me think about overshooting X Games jumps, shin scars that remind me of colliding with a french kid in a pipe at Junior Worlds, there´s the one from cutting coconut with a pocket knife and slipping, another one from wearing a certain necklace years of my life and sleeping on it and also the dumb one from my own snowboard edge under my eye brow. The newest and biggest one is my Norvergian elbow memory.

Especially women get those super-tiny tatoos often, some dumb rose on their ankle or little mini butterfly on the shoulder because they are scared of something bigger and don´t really know what they want so a flower or butterfly or little star are easy ways out of it. I have a bunch of scars you could compare to those type of tatoos, little scars you barely remember where they´re from. But yeah in my world of scars “the new elbow” is like a full sleve tatoo. It´s a big one for life. Never asked for it but that´s what i got.

Do you chose life? your path? Is it all pre written? Coincidence? Fate? Free will?

Truth is what you believe. It can be beat by knowledge, but if you truely believe something that´s what you consider your knowledge. So in the end whatever you really believe is what is true. To you.

So in ways life seems to be about finding out what you believe in.

I believe in love, in good and bad stuff. And i think that the good wouldnt exist without the bad, that you need shitty times to have good times. And actually one step further, your range of happiness and sadness are developing hand in hand. The moment you hit new heights of happiness means that you´ll also be capable to feel new depths of sadness once its time for them. And vice versa.

Through the last weeks i have extended my range of happiness and sadness. The bigger that range growns the more you wonder sometimes if the fine tuning in the middle of your range gets more numb through the extremes you hit and push. Is it good to get more numb in the middle range? Is that what makes you a more stable person in general life? Is that what we call growing up in ways? If little differences don´t shake you much anymore because you´ve been through so much bigger things? Does it mean that extreme happiness and extreme sadness eventually turn you more solid through the “normal” times of life? Are the extremes necessairy to feel alive at all? Are we pushing ourselves out of the middle range sometimes so we feel alive and get more comfortable returning to the middle after whatever crazy things we chose to go through on the end of our scale? Do we chose it? Does it just happen? Should i even be thinking about all this since in the end i probably can´t influence it anyways? Is it like philosophy-ing about the weather when are not in a position to ever change it ?

It´s all a matter of perspective. Of figuring out what you believe since that´s what your personal truth will consist of regarding questions that you can´t answer with scientific explanations.

I´m working on them. On the questions, the truth, the beliefs and also on the scars.

Posted on by Silvia Posted in Diary

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