Swimming with the shark


Have you ever swam over a mile in a lap pool? You know the feeling at the start, to think there are over 80 more lenghs coming, the water is cold, this will take forever? But then, towards the end, it gets so easy, and the last lap usually turns out to be the most enjoyable one of your entire swim... Now imagine your 1mile+ swim with a

A love declaration


   I used to hate the winter. I still hate the cold. The one thing powerful enough to let me make friends with the winter was snowboarding, after 14 years of struggling with it. Snowboarding has changed my life in so many ways. Far beyond allowing me to sympathize with winter, it enabled me to find and be myself. At age 13 I felt

From Jaegermeister to the Nirvana. Zooms on life.


Originally, this was a text about „Cheating, Killing and Chocolate Mousse.“ There were some fundamental thoughts leading from roadkill to the group dynamics of war and the question wheather 2 married women put less guilt on their shoulders when they have a threesome with a stranger than if they´d take him home alone, individually. I

In between. Munich Purgatory.


  It´s June. I haven´t written a personal blog in a long time. Didn´t feel like it. Wrote for another blog too, one that I couldn´t pour my heart into. Doing something half-hearted can take a lot more energy than going all in and forcing yourself to be more shallow than you truely are comes at a price. It´s hard to pretend, even if it

See what I see, feel what I feel


It starts with the squishing sound that snow only makes when the temperatures are almost unbearably low, a sound I haven´t heard in Germany in a long time. Either because global warming has already hit us too hard or because I´m barely at home through those coldest times of the year. This squeeking melody my feet create while

Thanks dude…

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… who stole my front mudguard today at the gym. You made my life more dirty!

Excursion through music and coffee

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Every instrument i ever played i learned to play with the help of sheet music.The black- and white-ness of music sheets and controlling the correct beat with tools like a metronome fits great with the logic, slightly robotic German understanding of the world.

I had been playing piano for multiple years of my life until i quit when i started traveling more. Years later, one late night at the Asian Open after the karaoke room had gotten closed, I found myself sitting on the beautiful grand piano in the lobby of the hotel, hearing pieces in my head that i had played a million times when i was around 14 , but I wasn´t able to let my hands play anything – with no sheets. It was a desperate feeling, i knew all the music was in my head and i really wanted to let it out, take advantage of the amazing piano, nicer than anything i had ever played, but nothing came out. I couldnt do it. I sat there on the fancy piano, feeling caged and restricted without creating a sound, and made the plan to come back to this piano someday and be able to play everything my heart wants to play.

I got back into playing piano, with sheets, finding pianos around the world in hotels and churches while traveling, daring to just play no matter if there were people around or not. Last summer in New Zealand once i arrived at my hotel piano, i saw someone else play it the first and only time. Her name was Melody (really!) and she was playing without sheets. She said she never learned how to read music. I was impressed. That day she opened my eyes to playing without sheets. She said you just have to let it happen. I did. It was one of the most amazing moments in my musical life.

I wonder where the music comes from when you just improvise, play without sheets, without a direction or navigation system through the world of sound. Sure it must be based on what you´ve played before, that is all somewhere stored in your subconsciousness, but then there´s also that magic when you play like that – it feels like the picture from the mirror of your soul just falls into your hands and manifests itself in music. Sometimes I close my eyes while playing without sheets and it feels like the emotions go on a direct flight from heart to hands, without a stop-over created by the sense of vision.

Sometimes such beautiful melodies happen that you´re torn apart between keeping the flow of playing and letting the pretty butterfly consciously pass by, admiring and feeling its existance, and wanting to catch it, to keep it, to make it your pet.

Today I went pet hunting, decided to write down the music i make up. It´s tough.

Improvising is like a muddy coffee. The black energyzing coffee is the part in music that comes straight from your heart and soul, your intuition, your subconsciousness, it is what makes the music come alive, whereas the white milk is the logic, the mathmatic, the rhythm, it´s the part you can write down on sheets.

The moment you create sound you mix milk and coffee in one cup. Depending on your style of playing you either get a more white or black coffee, but once it´s sound, it´s mixed. Pure black coffee is just energy whereas pure milk is just a music sheet. It was hard to crystalize the milk out of the coffee, felt like i had to kill the butterfly to keep it.

After some killing and synthetically trying to seperate the coffee molecules i ended up with some milky essence of music on paper. It didn´t sound or look very good when I played it exactly as i had written it down. But with some notes between the notes, some sponteanous accentuation and emotions, the entire thing came alive.

For the future i probably won´t try to capture the butterfly anymore. Just let it fly and live. Appreciate the moment and don´t try to stop time.

I admire composers that have managed to write down music that sounds like it has a soul even if you play it perfectly straight from the sheet. But any music will come more alive if you allow your own feelings shine through. Personally it also lets me find a better inner balance and connection to the world. Sounds crazy but playing piano before snowboarding makes me land more solid. Seriously.

In a few days I leave to Mt.Hood for the peepshow session and some pre-NZ riding. There´s a sweet hidden piano in the Timberline lodge, right next to the first lift you take going up the mountain. After that, in NZ, I don´t even really know yet where to sleep, but i know the piano in the hotel lobby where I met Melody. My wish would be to meet her again and play together. 4 handed without sheets.

Timetravelling in the moment

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This blog was supposed to be about traveling with the senses, creating memories not only visually and maybe through your sense of taste but also through hearing and smelling, and – most important- through truely feeling where you are. If you´re generally conscious, let your senses be awake, it´s so much easier to make a deep connection with a place, to really feel it, and therefore keep it in your memories later on for years, in a way that just by smelling, hearing, tasting or even feeling something you feel like being put back into that place and into the feeling you had when you were there. If you have those type of memories of moments and places you are as close to being able to beam (teleport) yourself as you can get in the world today. Basically with the help of a song, through the taste of a certain fruit or the smell of a flower you can be able to put yourself back into the feeling of a different place at a different time…

Therefore – whereever you are, whatever you do, find the outstanding little things and connect them to that day, moment and place if you want to be able to travel back in time some day.

I´m connecting today to amazing mashed potatoes.

This morning i got 2 wisdom teeth pulled. It took forever for the numbness to go away, just to be replaced by pain. I slept for a bit, hoping to wake up with a better feeling and dreamt of a woman whose head got chopped off and who was bleeding all over the place , just to wake up to the metallic taste of blood in my own mouth.

After not eating all day I made a smoothie and boiled some potaoes. I won´t be able to connect the smoothie to much because i make those too often, but mashed potatoes, those so far make me think of American thanksgiving only. But those are American mashed potatoes. I made free style German mashed potatoes with some soy joghurt and oat milk mixed in, some herbs and spices and balsamic, everything so smashed that i could easily eat it even in my “state of teeth”. Who knows if it was so good because i didnt eat all day or if they really were the most amazing mashed potatoes ever, but as a matter of fact i might connect them to today, to Munich, to my wisdom teeth and the day that i dreamt of the woman with no head, to being home-home and to hearing the birds sing in the forest right now while the sun is still out at 8.30 pm on the longest day of the year, June 21st. Not sure if i will want to travel back to “the day i got rid of my last wisdom teeth” in the future, but I´ll just buy this return ticket real quick in my brain, it doesn´t cost anything, and it will make mashed potatoes more exciting for the next years to come.

(And i just realized i wrote what i wanted to write. Somehow I didn´t think i would. Must be the mashed potatoes.)

(What i forgot to say though is that sometimes the best tickets for backwards time travels happen unconsciously, too, and you don´t even realize you got that ticket until whatever makes it what it is crosses your path again and you just feel it. Maybe sometime I´ll think more about those. Maybe not.)

Scars and the range of happiness

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I don´t have any tattoos. I have scars. Tatoos mostly show things people want to embody. Somtimes they really do embody them, sometimes their tatoo is the closest they´ll ever come to their wet dreams. Scars usually don´t leave you a choice. They come out of nowhere, you don´t make an appointement or pay to get them, life draws them on you when it´s time for them. They will always tell a real story. I got stories to tell.

My favourite scar is from almost chopping off a finger making furniture on a uninhabited caribbean island. Everytime i see it i think about the place. There´s another one of accidently touching my hand with an iron waxing my board in Colorado, then a microwave burn on a finger from the most agressive microwave of all times in New Zealand, there´s knee surgery scars that make me think about overshooting X Games jumps, shin scars that remind me of colliding with a french kid in a pipe at Junior Worlds, there´s the one from cutting coconut with a pocket knife and slipping, another one from wearing a certain necklace years of my life and sleeping on it and also the dumb one from my own snowboard edge under my eye brow. The newest and biggest one is my Norvergian elbow memory.

Especially women get those super-tiny tatoos often, some dumb rose on their ankle or little mini butterfly on the shoulder because they are scared of something bigger and don´t really know what they want so a flower or butterfly or little star are easy ways out of it. I have a bunch of scars you could compare to those type of tatoos, little scars you barely remember where they´re from. But yeah in my world of scars “the new elbow” is like a full sleve tatoo. It´s a big one for life. Never asked for it but that´s what i got.

Do you chose life? your path? Is it all pre written? Coincidence? Fate? Free will?

Truth is what you believe. It can be beat by knowledge, but if you truely believe something that´s what you consider your knowledge. So in the end whatever you really believe is what is true. To you.

So in ways life seems to be about finding out what you believe in.

I believe in love, in good and bad stuff. And i think that the good wouldnt exist without the bad, that you need shitty times to have good times. And actually one step further, your range of happiness and sadness are developing hand in hand. The moment you hit new heights of happiness means that you´ll also be capable to feel new depths of sadness once its time for them. And vice versa.

Through the last weeks i have extended my range of happiness and sadness. The bigger that range growns the more you wonder sometimes if the fine tuning in the middle of your range gets more numb through the extremes you hit and push. Is it good to get more numb in the middle range? Is that what makes you a more stable person in general life? Is that what we call growing up in ways? If little differences don´t shake you much anymore because you´ve been through so much bigger things? Does it mean that extreme happiness and extreme sadness eventually turn you more solid through the “normal” times of life? Are the extremes necessairy to feel alive at all? Are we pushing ourselves out of the middle range sometimes so we feel alive and get more comfortable returning to the middle after whatever crazy things we chose to go through on the end of our scale? Do we chose it? Does it just happen? Should i even be thinking about all this since in the end i probably can´t influence it anyways? Is it like philosophy-ing about the weather when are not in a position to ever change it ?

It´s all a matter of perspective. Of figuring out what you believe since that´s what your personal truth will consist of regarding questions that you can´t answer with scientific explanations.

I´m working on them. On the questions, the truth, the beliefs and also on the scars.

The Beauty Of Sadness

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Snowboarding is like an abusive husband. He hits you and knocks you out, makes you bleed and cry, he breaks you and never says sorry. But you stay with him anyways, he is the love of your life, you couldn´t be without him. So you forgive him for all the games he plays on you, you take all those beatings he gives you, and after every incident you already feel the fire inside you to go back and make love with him again because it´s just too good.

Sometimes my special man has an extraordinairy punch, one little slap can screw you up so good. Like 2days ago. How do you tear all your ellbow ligaments, your capsule and your brachialis muscle when you were never higher above the ground than 40 centimeters? Ask my husband, but i doubt he will answer you. He´s a cocky bastard.

Tomorrow i get surgery to put things back where they are supposed to be.

It´s such a hard pill to swallow since recently my violent dude and me were a real good couple. We´ve taken our relationship further than before and he made me so happy. But now he´ll leave me alone again and just hang out with the rest of the world while not giving a F about me. That´s what he does. I´ll just recover my battle wounds and then find him again, somewhere out there, possibly beating up other innocent women after giving them the pleasure of their lifes which will forever attach them to him.

Yes it hurts to let him go. I had everything planned out very differently. Call me the naive one but yes i was believing in the good things. I thought we had everything figured out and then the mood swing came.

It´s painful to get a US Open invite, when you had already seen yourself finishing your season there, and realize it´s not going to happen. This is not how the story goes in my book at all. Thinking about the places and events i´d have gone to, thinking about the filming trips i had coming up, it makes me very sad. It hurts.

As much as it sucks though, i can also see a glimpse of beauty shining through all of it. It´s the passion, the fire behind. The will to overcome this as good and fast as possible. To make the best out of the worst. In some way that drive, that energy to get back, thats what makes me feel alive. To have something to fight for, something to look forward to, something that seems to give some sense to this life that sometimes just seems to be lived trying to find the maximum comfort through money, love or adventure until we die.

Last, a quote from a talk i really love

“… Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward ,but it was very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can´t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference… “

Steve Jobs – TED